A letter to Hash by Ernest Hemingway 1920
“I’d be much happier too Hash Darling—but I can’t come— You see I hate and loathe and despise to talk about seeds but I haven’t been home since 1915 I think and so I more or less threw a fairly decent Christmas for the kids and am consequently broke— Embarrassing of course. Could have much easier lied to you and mentioned acceptance of half a dozen New Years dates—all of which I’d have thrown out in a minute for a sight of you—but have always had this beautiful truth talking habit with you—
You can make me jealous—and you can hurt most awfully—’cause my loving you is a chink in the armour of telling the world to go to hell and you can thrust a sword into it at any time—
Saw tragedy tonight. I was in a drug shop opposite the Marigold Gardens and a girl was telephoning in a booth. She was kidding some one over the wire, lips smiling. And talking cheerily away and all the time dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief— Poor kid it was terrible bad whatever it was.
Hash you can surely hurt me a lot when you want to. About the platform and the train. Lord— I thought I was loving you— If I wasn’t I never could and never would love any one. Guess I was thinking too much about how I didn’t want you to go— Don’t you believe I love you? Dunno how I can make you believe.
I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye—that was the trouble— I wanted to kiss you good night—and there’s a lot of difference. couldn’t bear the thought of you going away when you were so very dear and necessary and all pervading.”